Taming the Forest King
Author: Claudia J. Edwards
Publication Date: 12/1/86
Publisher: Warner Books

Blurb(GR): The distant Forest Province had been torn apart by corruption and rebellion. On the direct orders of her king, Tevra, Colonel of the Light Cavalry, arrives in this strange land with instructions to restore order - at swordpoint, if need be.

Yet no steel blade can hold sway in a realm where shapes of death can be fashioned from the still of the air. And even the most ungodly works of the sorcerers pale before the mysterious powers of the Forest King himself - but is he Tevra's ally, or her deadliest foe?


Review:

Imagine the scene: a kick-ass heroine begrudgingly sets aside her military uniform to pour herself into an elaborate red ball gown (which of course she looks fabulous in) and attend a ball in her honor.  Upon entering the room, she’s approached by a gorgeous, powerful man.  She immediately notes that he “smells of almonds and sunshine,” and then feels a “storm of lust” as they dance the first dance together.  Their eyes connect, and she feels an instant tug of connection.

If you’re like me, then your eyes were probably rolling out of their sockets around line two of that description.  BUT NOW, just imagine that the heroine says this to that man:

“…forgive me, but I wasn’t in love with you.  I wanted you.  That’s a very different thing.”

And then she suggests that they have a one-night stand to get it out of their systems – right after she fights a duel on her own behalf and negotiates peace with a forest full of bandits, of course.

YES!  I feel like I’ve been waiting and waiting for this day – the day when a romance novel could surprise me this much.  Here’s my not-so-secret secret:  I love romance novels.  But I also hate romance novels.  I get so tired of feeling disappointed again and again and again: by heroines who are spineless, by heroines who are unrealistically tough, by heroes who are alpha male stalkers, by love stories that are little more than embellished lust, and by endings that are neat little happily-ever-after packages.  I’ve read those stories, and they weren’t very interesting the first time around.  And yet, they just keep getting written.

And so to this book I say: where have you been all my life?! Well, it turns out that this book has in fact been around for almost my entire life.  It was published when I was five years old!  I’m only sad that it’s taken me twenty five years to read it.  And I’m very sad that this author is no longer with us, but I intend to read everything she ever wrote now.

I love that Tevra both fits and breaks the mold for romance novel heroines.  She’s a powerful, brave, heroic woman who can also wear a dress.  But she also feels like a very realistic soldier: she’s cool, experienced, and logical – although sometimes a bit too logical.  She’s of medium height, in her thirties, has short practical hair, and is scarred from battle.  She’s definitely not one of those heroines who is supposed to be an experienced soldier and yet also has ankle length hair that brings all the boys to the yard, if you know what I’m saying.  She’s a genuine badass!  But Tevra is vulnerable too – even in a world where women are able to enter the military and hold rank, she faces challenges and she faces them with more intelligence than brawn.

But this book isn’t just about Tevra going around kicking butt and ruling the day.  This is a true romance novel, of the rarest type: one that features a deep, substantial, wonderful love story that’s based on so much more than just stupid lust (although a little bit of lust, of course).  I also need to mention here that this book includes a love triangle, and here's the amazing part: it didn't make me want to vomit.  AND, she didn't turn one of the suitors into a complete douche bag just to make the decision easier.  There's nothing simple or easy about this romance.  

And never fear!  This book has a wonderful, happy ending that was so satisfying I actually got a bit teary eyed about it.  It’s like everything that I’ve ever wanted to read in a romance novel was distilled and placed into this one book.  I can’t recommend it enough!

Many thanks to my blogging partner Flannery for sending me this book without telling me anything about it and ordering me to read it.

P.S. – that cover?  With the chain mail mini dress and weird monster?  And that title?  Have almost nothing to do with this book.

Perfect Musical Pairing
Radiohead – House of Cards

Dear Book,
I don’t want to be your friend; I just want to be your lover.

4/5 Stars

_The Hellbound Heart
Author: Clive Barker
Publication Date: 1986
Publisher: HarperCollins

Blurb (Amazon):  Frank Cotton's insatiable appetite for the dark pleasures of pain led him to the puzzle of Lemarchand's box, and from there, to a death only a sick-minded soul could invent. But his brother's love-crazed wife, Julia, has discovered a way to bring Frank back—though the price will be bloody and terrible . . . and there will certainly be hell to pay.

Review:
I'm assuming everyone in the world has seen the last Harry Potter movie? This isn’t a spoiler but there is this part in the movie where Voldemort is in some place that looks like a train station and he looks like a cross between some sort of fetus and a seahorse. When I saw it with my friends, we were all wondering what the frak we were looking at…in fact, it is pretty safe to say that I am still wondering a few months later. So I know Clive Barker wrote this novella decades before HP7p1 would come out but nevertheless, the movie impacted my reading enjoyment. Why? Because a man in The Hellbound Heart is trying to become more flesh and bone (just like good ol’ Voldy) and needs blood to do so. As he becomes more substantial there is a period of time where all I could picture was some weird-looking seahorse thing flapping around in a corner. This is supposed to scare me? Mission NOT accomplished. Also, Barker went out of his way to mention one of the victims’ saggy, gray underwear before he dies. I was more disgusted by the saggy briefs than the murder.

I feel a bit foolish that I didn’t know the movie Hellraiser was based on this novella until my book club buddy told me at our meeting. Because I read an e-version rather than the DTB, I didn’t have the benefit of all the creepy drawings. (Tip #1: Read the DTB. Actually there is only one tip.) I said to my friends, “Hey! That picture looks like that guy Pinhead from that horror movie!” Cue the cricket noises. Considering how short this work is (around 125 pages), Barker really packs a punch of a story. The brevity of the work really limits characterization and plot development. It felt like I was walking down a cafeteria line and just looking at all the things I could have but then never taking a bite of any of it. What kind of woman would just start killing people to feed blood to the demonish presence that may or may not be her brother-in-law with whom she had a rape-and-if-not-rape-certainly-rapey experience with before her wedding? Who the hell moves into a house where one room is totally dank and seemingly haunted? Who disposes of bodies and/or bags of bones by just tossing them in the spare room? Who finds a crazy-ass box in a haunted house and just starts playing around with it? (because that can only have GOOD results, right?) I just had to stop typing for a second to laugh at the memory of us rehashing the plot of this novella at book club.

Here’s the lowdown:
Was it scary? No.
Am I an idiot for not realizing Hellraiser was based on this book? Yes.
Do I recommend it to horror lovers? Meh, not really.
Was it worth the read? Yes, for the weirdness.
Do I want to watch the movie now? Yes, if only to see if there is a seahorse fetus scene.